?

Log in

On Top Of The World [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Panu

[ website | Eurobeat Prime ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

(no subject) [May. 10th, 2010|02:47 pm]
Panu
[Current Location |Work, Oulu]
[mood |depresseddepressed]
[music |Rihanna - Unfaithful]

I don't like to brood over things, but lately it seems that things just are getting under my skin really easily for some reason. I rarely go out to drink and get wasted, but there's been 3 weekends of this in a row and I'm quite puzzled why this stuff is suddenly going on. There have been a few things happening lately in my world, but still there hasn't been anything really groundbreaking I guess...

My work has been pretty different lately. I am fully working on a project, which mainly means I interview people, do questionnaires and sit on a computer. This is exactly the kind of work I sort of "dreamed of" while I was working at the ward. Yet I still don't feel content. So I guess the typical saying about green grass is true, it's always better somewhere else. But for clarity's sake, I got to say I have enjoyed doing this stuff for a change, but still I would like to do some normal nursing every once in a while as well. This project does challenge me intellectually a lot more than my normal work, which is good. And also the work is pretty solitary so I need to really think things through and push the project forward or nothing will happen.

And well as for work. The ward I have been working at for the past 3 years has been going through a bit of a metamorphosis. As we went from a 24/7 ward to being closed on weekends, the whole system changed. The force that made things happen and kept the wheels turning at our ward was the leading doctor. But fate (or whatever you want to call it) intervened and messed up everything. She first had to take 6 months off work due to cancer re-occurring. Then after a few treatments it was suddenly so severe that she was diagnosed with a few weeks of lifetime. And well eventually death did occur (last Thursday). And now there's been a weird athmosphere going on everywhere.

I'm a bit of a cold person when it comes to these sort of things. Naturally I feel unhappy with the situation, but I still don't quite manage to cry or feel emotional about it. I'm probably just bottling things up inside of me like before. But still, I don't know how to really handle my own emotions, I've never been good at talking about stuff like that, real men don't do that, right? You are supposed to be strong and just grunt the girly emotions aside.

Other than the whole work scenery my parents just moved to Southern Finland. They used to live 3km away from me, now they are an 8 hour drive away. I thought I wouldn't really feel bad about this since I've always been the errand boy for them whenever there's been something wrong. Now that they are gone, I suddenly feel like I'm all alone here in the north. My whole family is at the other end of the country and while I'm an adult, it has been sort of a safety net to have parents close by before. I guess I needed to get a wake up call like this to realize I actually care for my family more than I let myself believe. And yes, this is normal, but I always thought my antisocial personality sort of never craved to have my family close by. Grass is greener... yada yada.

I'm dumb, I really am. Why does one understand things too late. Not that I could've really made a difference with my parents moving or anything. At least I told my mom it's a pity they're moving away.

Now I feel like moving due south, back to central Finland where I lived for the first 20 years of my life. Suddenly Oulu and Northern Finland just don't feel like home anymore.

And meh, why the hell do I need to vent out on this stuff. Nobody cares, nobody minds. And why the hell can't I just speak my mind through to a friend or something. I guess I just don't feel happy after all. I might deceive others but not myself. Having information about mental disorders does cause problems. I keep diagnosing myself with bipolar disorder or something. Like my previous entry was supposedly positive and happy, yet the next one's full of broodiness and negative thoughts.
God forbid, these could just be emotional changes...
linkpost comment

Life, what is life? [Mar. 4th, 2010|02:42 am]
Panu
[mood |apatheticapathetic]

So yes. Where to begin, or well quite frankly what to even write about... My life lately has been rather meaningless in a way. Work, WoW, Sleep... Can't exactly call my life to be rich in many ways.

But truthfully, things are sort of good in a way. I have those days when everything seems to be crashing down on me and life in general just feels like an endless battle against everybody else. But for some reason I have also found a weird solace amongst all of this nothingness. I somehow realized that even in this world where people are unhappy, full of angst and hatred towards eachother. >>I don't have to be<< I may not be the most handsome, likable or memorable person out there, but I'm quite happy just being me. Sure there are things I would like to change, but the minor details don't stop me from doing things I like in my every day life.

The small things may seem like nothing much on paper, but they mean a lot to me in the end. I actually only quite recently realized it myself that I don't need to go to the gym, have many intellectual hobbies or even go to parties to be happy. I admit to being antisocial, I'm never the person to take the initiative to contact other people, but I'm also quite happy to be contacted by friends. This of course has the bad tendency to lead to connections vanishing over time. The longer I remain out of contact with other people, the harder it gets to just start chatting up. I know very well I could just do the first move and start up with that small 'hi', but when it just doesn't come out naturally, I don't.

A life with so very few things going on could easily be considered dull by some people. I myself see the current situation as a perfect place for many reasons. First of all, whenever there are small things going on in my life, like going out with a friend to play Rockband or eat out, they actually mean a lot. I am sort of in a relationship as well, but as stated before my antisocial side also affects that. But it's none the less nice to meet up with Tapio every once in a while and cook together. But well, I'll be surprised if he doesn't get fed up with the situation at some point. I'm definitely not the best person to date since I'm such a lonely wolf and I don't exactly crave human contact all that much, oh and there's the part about me not really enjoying sex in any way either. So basically in a relationship I'm fairly distant and cold. I don't feel like I should change this though, I don't want to get more intimate with anyone, I don't need to move in with anyone, nor do I need to get laid...

So... well to sum things up.

I'm a cranky lonely man
I don't feel the need to change anything
And I am still >>happy<<

Oh and "HI! to the people I don't really keep in contact with much. I still think about contacting anyways.
link2 comments|post comment

(no subject) [Nov. 20th, 2009|08:41 pm]
Panu
[mood |blahblah]

Things have been going in weird circles during this fall. Mostly life's been the same as always before, but at the same time it's been extremely different from the usual. There are quite a few big things in my life currently that keep my lil' head twisting and turning uncontrollably.

First of all, work. I loved my work a lot, things were good and I got to do a lot of other things than just nursing. But earlier this fall we were announced that due to the depression and savings needed to be done within the hospital, our ward would turn into a weekly ward. This means first of all that work will be from Monday to Friday every week, no weekends. This was a pretty big blow as I've enjoyed working in a 3 shift job, where I get to do weekends and take my days off whenever the work schedule says so. The other thing it naturally affects is that without weekends, there won't be any extra pay for losing the Sundays and Saturdays.
With this change I could still live, there'd be nights and evenings even still, but yesterday we were announced that we'd have 2 people doing nightshifts all together, nobody else. And this was the biggest blow I really could take. I love doing nightshifts plus on top of everything, the pay for doing them is really good compared to crap mornings.

So the big thing is now, do I want to go hunting for a different job or stay where I am now. The good thing about working in a big organization like an university hospital is that I can ask to be transferred to a different unit since I've got a permanent contract. This of course does not necessarily work out for the best, I don't know what the options I have within the Oulu university hospital are... The other option is I could completely move to a different town and start looking for a job there, ditching my permanent job. With the lack of male nurses I have a lot of options fortunately. But it's never easy changing jobs and being completely clueless about most of the other wards within the hospital doesn't help.

2nd thing that has been bugging my mind lately. Is a relationship. I started "Dating" 6 months ago, and have been keeping in contact with this guy since then. The problematic part is, that I don't exactly feel like settling down, or being in a proper relationship. I've been emphasizing it to him from the very beginning. I do not want to start worrying about other peoples schedules, I don't want to be together all the time and I definitely don't want to start thinking about living together. He on the other hand is much more enthusiastic about these things and I am constantly in a dilemma about how to express my thoughts without hurting his feelings. Basically the needs are completely different and it's getting on my nerves. I like him, but I like my free time and freedom the most. I'm probably not one to settle down at all in this stage of my life.

I hate relationships.... And as amusing it is, it wasn't that long ago that I figured that I need a relationship. Grass is greener and all that shit. Seriously I'm too indicisive.

Fuck this, I'll just start drinking although I got work in the morning.
linkpost comment

Older [Oct. 22nd, 2009|07:26 am]
Panu
[music |Lady GaGa - Bad Romance]

Rah rah ra ah ah ah, Ro mah ro-mah-mah Gaga Oolah lah laa.

So yea, another date with my initials written all over it. Been a busy year so far, things are looking interesting regarding the future. Lots of things happening on the work front, relationship front and well... every front.

Dunno how I should celebrate myself, I'm tempted to buy a new Ps3 Bundle with Uncharted... (mmmmm Nathan Drake *drools*), but it's rather pricy.... oh such a dilemma.

Anyways, been ages since I updated, about time to do such for a change. Oh and the new Lady Gaga song is superb... can't get it out of my head.
link1 comment|post comment

Dual Panu [Jul. 26th, 2009|02:05 am]
Panu
I don't go out very often due to not really being the biggest fan of bars and such. Today a friend of mine (Hanna) who was as an exchange student for the last 6 months came back to Finland and she invited me to a party, so had really no way of turning it down, plus I wanted to see her after all this time. So I went to Kaisa's place, who is a different friend I had seen a few times before. There we bumped into the oddest situation when there was a different guy named Panu there. And the thing is, Panu is a really rare name even in Finland and I myself have never ever seen or met a different person with the same name. Neither had he. So the whole night we kept talking about how the world is going to end soon or how we started the next big bang when we shaked hands.

Either way... we spent most of the evening playing fun board & card games I had never before seen. I did okay in them considering I was the only one new to them. The evening went by fast and we decided at some point to go to a bar nearby. This weekend there's this big rock festival in town which probably affected the bars as well. The bar where we went was totally empty and we basically were the only people there. So we ordered a keg of beer and decided to enjoy that and then head on out.
At some point some random fella none of us new ended up in our table and started chatting this and that to us, mostly giving compliments to Kaisa (and calling us Panus ugly). So we didn't chase him away due to the fact that there was nobody else around and he seemed too drunk and alone to comprehend anything we would've said anyways. Then at some point he asked us all to join him and go play this finnish outdoor game called mölkky. So we decided to join him since we would've otherwise probably left the bar and headed home. The whole time this guy kept drinking more and more and in the end he couldn't stand straight and would keep thinking that me and Hanna were married. So he kept giving me advices on how to treat a girl right and how she should behave around me when we're having sex. It was immensely amusing and we had a blast although the guy didn't seem to understand anything about what was going on. So we went to his place which was close by, played a game of mölkky and after that headed to get some take away.

Basically the evening was a lot different than I had imagined it to be, but it was sure fun. Mostly because of this drunken fellow who couldn't see straight and mostly kept leaning on me to be able to stand up.
linkpost comment

You are always on my mind, always in my heart! [May. 17th, 2009|01:45 am]
Panu
[Current Location |Home]
[mood |excitedexcited]
[music |ArAsh - Always]

Oh my, eurovision songcontest.... It seems so inhumanly super every single year, and for some reason this year was probably the best competition I've seen during these 20 years that I've been following it. The competition generally always has like 5-7 good songs but this time around it was over half of the countries with good songs. And seriously, oh my fucking god! Azerbaijan was so fucking super I can't get over it. I loved so many of the songs but their performance live was so stunningly good I'm definitely a fan now! Finland's position doesn't come off as a surprise, I liked the song either way.
The only minus to this year is that I honestly wouldn't have given Norway that big of a lead, the song was okay. But definitely not *THAT* good!

Anyways, I just needa quickly type up the countries that presented awesome songs this year in alphabetical order:

Albania
Armenia
Azerbaijan
Bosnia & Herzegovina
Estonia
Finland
Germany
Greece
Iceland
Malta
Moldova
Romania
Spain
Sweden
Turkey
Ukraine

That's 16 out of 25. And I could add more songs that were nice, but not exactly spectacular which would only leave out like 4 songs that really were bad. Definitely the best year ever! And oh my oh my god at Azerbaijan! Iceland coming close after with the cutest song ever. And Greece's adonis :p~~


And the superior Azerbaijan:

link2 comments|post comment

&&/"!)/!"%&"!/`¤%"!`¤!"`¤!"¤ WOW! [Apr. 15th, 2009|12:00 am]
Panu
JYP HOCKEY TEAM JYP HOCKEY TEAM NYT KORJAA KIEKON MAALIIN!

ICE-HOCKEY IS THE WAY TO MAKE A GROWN MAN FEEL ALIVE!
link1 comment|post comment

All hell breaks lose [Mar. 23rd, 2009|05:33 am]
Panu
[music |The Propet - Crazy Train]

After reading quite a few posts from people who are sick (well okay.. mainly just Phil... always sick!). I had to do a one of these as well.
Already vented out a bit on facebook but this was just something so utterly horrible and different I even had to lj it. So the premise is. I left to visit my sister and her 2 kids (2-years-old and 3-years-old) on Friday. The trip was nice, although the kids woke up really really early every morning which left very little amount of sleep for me during the past 2 nights.

I had made plans to meet up with an old school friend from waaaay back, before I was heading to the train yesterday. We did, had a blast talking bout old times and how being a nerd still rocks. We ate at a viking themed restaurant and had a few food beers along the way. So as it was startign to be time to head to the train so I wouldn't miss it. I suddenly started feeling nauseous, I subtly said I'd visit the toilets and threw up for the first time on my way there. Nobody saw this, and I was quick to clean it all up. Nobody even knew that it happened.

I was feeling a lot better after throwing up, thinking the worst is behind. Oh how wrong I was. I got on the train just in the nick of time, but it was packed and my real place had been invaded by a crying baby so I sat on a different spot for the first few hours. It was okay during the first hours aside for the crying baby, wasn't feeling unwell at all.

But there's a swift of trains somewhere along the way, after I had switched my spot to the new train things started going downhill. Suddenly I had a fever, was freezing everywhere, my every muscle was sore and I felt like crying. Then at some point I think to myself "I'll walk a bit, if it'd help"... Baaad judgement. I got up and walked to one of those separate doorways where people get on the train and suddenly I just threw up. A LOT. The whole doorway was blocked after my little incident. I had thrown up all over my white shirt, shoes and some on my pants as well. So there I was stuck between 2 carts wondering what I could do there. So I subtly brushed my chin and visible parts with my arms and quickly ran to the toilet. Where I threw up again.
Again I was feeling slightly better, thinking it has to stop now. But nooooo, the same occurred three more times. The whole train trip felt like it's taking days. I felt like crap no matter what I did and people would definitely stare at me, I probably smelled like hell as well after throwing up all those times.

So after the hell ends and I get on my home station, I get off. Walk into the tunnel under the station and what do ya now, throw up again. With a looot of people close by to wittness it. I just subtly brushed my mouth and moved quickly home (as I only live like 200m from the station). I got home, had a raging fever, still was feeling nauseous but just couldn't throw up. I was so god damn tired but just couldn't slee. Now 5+ hours after making it back home. I've again started throwing up. And like before, after the last barf I've been feeling quite dandy, as if things are all okay now. But I have my suspicions. Sleep is at least a subject I seem to be unable to attain right now. Well this means I'll call in sick from the next nightshift. A pity, I like them and I could really use the extra cash they make.
link3 comments|post comment

Happy happy joy joy [Mar. 7th, 2009|07:46 am]
Panu
I'm feeling... ickily loving currently. I have no idea where or what caused the sudden feel to embrace the whole world. I must be sick. I need to get grumpy, help!
linkpost comment

Harsh reality [Feb. 24th, 2009|08:08 pm]
Panu
[mood |disappointeddisappointed]
[music |Avril Lavigne - Complicated]

So yeah, I'm not even sure anymore whether I spoke about this yet, but I might as well go through with again. At the end of last month my current job was changed from an appointed time to a permanent job. Which technically means that I can stay at the job till I retire if I wish so. The weird complexity behind this is, that usually nurses in the hospital where I work at get permanent jobs after years and years of brief period contracts. I myself only worked for a year at the ward before I got a solid job. I had heard bout the possibility of my job being changed to a permanent job for quite a while before it actually happened, but I was sort of skeptic about it, until I finally saw the work contract and signed it myself.

The reality also is that short term contracts are a reality for nurses in Finland, which is weird considering that the field is in a huge lack of people. The thing that separates me from the masses, is that I have a penis downstairs. Men are highly respected on the field and get better jobs and better pay, although times have tried to progress to a more equal system. When I got my permanent job, also a woman who had been working at the ward for nearly 4 years got a permanent job. This just speaks of how the reality on this field is. Men are treated better than women.

Now what currently bugs me, is that there's a lot of talk about work contracts for other people being cut. A lot of really nice people whom I like working with, and it feels sort of bad that I have been given a permanent job after such a "brief" period of time. I can't help but feel happy that I'm actually on a safe ground, but I can almost feel the envy from the women colleques who have been working for years and still haven't gotten a solid job.

It just makes me wonder, is it really even okay for me to feel bad about having a job they can't take away. Feels stupid to feel guilty, but I do. God help me, things could be more complex I guess, at least the colleques I have are fairly straightforward and output their dissatisfaction with the system and don't point fingers at per say me (which would be easy I guess).

But then again, I have done my job very well I'd say. I have taken extra tasks that actually make me earn more cash and give me more responsibility, where as some of the women just sway through the work and complain here and there...


Hrhm, feels weird venting through lj since I so rarely write here. But I guess it's good to keep the tradition of an update once every few months alive.
link1 comment|post comment

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]