||[May. 10th, 2010|02:47 pm]
|||||Rihanna - Unfaithful||]|
I don't like to brood over things, but lately it seems that things just are getting under my skin really easily for some reason. I rarely go out to drink and get wasted, but there's been 3 weekends of this in a row and I'm quite puzzled why this stuff is suddenly going on. There have been a few things happening lately in my world, but still there hasn't been anything really groundbreaking I guess...
My work has been pretty different lately. I am fully working on a project, which mainly means I interview people, do questionnaires and sit on a computer. This is exactly the kind of work I sort of "dreamed of" while I was working at the ward. Yet I still don't feel content. So I guess the typical saying about green grass is true, it's always better somewhere else. But for clarity's sake, I got to say I have enjoyed doing this stuff for a change, but still I would like to do some normal nursing every once in a while as well. This project does challenge me intellectually a lot more than my normal work, which is good. And also the work is pretty solitary so I need to really think things through and push the project forward or nothing will happen.
And well as for work. The ward I have been working at for the past 3 years has been going through a bit of a metamorphosis. As we went from a 24/7 ward to being closed on weekends, the whole system changed. The force that made things happen and kept the wheels turning at our ward was the leading doctor. But fate (or whatever you want to call it) intervened and messed up everything. She first had to take 6 months off work due to cancer re-occurring. Then after a few treatments it was suddenly so severe that she was diagnosed with a few weeks of lifetime. And well eventually death did occur (last Thursday). And now there's been a weird athmosphere going on everywhere.
I'm a bit of a cold person when it comes to these sort of things. Naturally I feel unhappy with the situation, but I still don't quite manage to cry or feel emotional about it. I'm probably just bottling things up inside of me like before. But still, I don't know how to really handle my own emotions, I've never been good at talking about stuff like that, real men don't do that, right? You are supposed to be strong and just grunt the girly emotions aside.
Other than the whole work scenery my parents just moved to Southern Finland. They used to live 3km away from me, now they are an 8 hour drive away. I thought I wouldn't really feel bad about this since I've always been the errand boy for them whenever there's been something wrong. Now that they are gone, I suddenly feel like I'm all alone here in the north. My whole family is at the other end of the country and while I'm an adult, it has been sort of a safety net to have parents close by before. I guess I needed to get a wake up call like this to realize I actually care for my family more than I let myself believe. And yes, this is normal, but I always thought my antisocial personality sort of never craved to have my family close by. Grass is greener... yada yada.
I'm dumb, I really am. Why does one understand things too late. Not that I could've really made a difference with my parents moving or anything. At least I told my mom it's a pity they're moving away.
Now I feel like moving due south, back to central Finland where I lived for the first 20 years of my life. Suddenly Oulu and Northern Finland just don't feel like home anymore.
And meh, why the hell do I need to vent out on this stuff. Nobody cares, nobody minds. And why the hell can't I just speak my mind through to a friend or something. I guess I just don't feel happy after all. I might deceive others but not myself. Having information about mental disorders does cause problems. I keep diagnosing myself with bipolar disorder or something. Like my previous entry was supposedly positive and happy, yet the next one's full of broodiness and negative thoughts.
God forbid, these could just be emotional changes...